What do we mean when we say ‚relationship‘?
How do we separate our needs and desires from norms and expectations?
How can we approach our relationships with mutuality, care and compassion?This down-to-earth guide is the ultimate companion for anybody who wants to examine their place in the world — how we relate to ourselves, and others. With considerations of historical, cultural, and developmental contexts; explorations of relationship diversity as it manifests in queerness, the ace and aro spectrum, non-monogamy and neurodivergence ; and a look towards deeper, compassionate, interdependent ways to relate – this book will help people of all ages, backgrounds and identities explore their relational world.
A lot to learn from…
Finding myself at the beginning of a potential new relationship and with lot of unprocessed feelings, I found this book to be more than I hoped for. Already the introduction intrigued me, as the authors clarify their qualifications to right this very book. A lot of other authors surely advertise themselves with their successful relationships and their professionalism. This book’s authors surely have the academic background but do now praise themselves for their know-it-all. Instead, they are willing to share their mistakes and what they learned over the years of their life.
Our hope is that this focus on questions more than answers actually sets this apart from a lot of relationship books wich do profess to have „the answers“ about how relationships work or how we should approach them. Such books can actually make us feel worse about ourselves and encourage us to try to shape ourselves to fit a way of doing relationships that may not suit us–or others–at all. There is no one-size-fits-all-model. – Page 29/30
From broad to specific
The book is divided in six chapters with different foci. After the already intriguing and familiarizing introduction, Alex and Meg attempt to define relationships. They then discuss some very common conceptions of relationships in the second chapter. We are already asked to engage with these statements and find the ones that fit our own perception. It is important to say that this book is not at all solely focused on romantic relationships. Instead, it explores a multitude of interpersonal and intrapersonal or even non-human relationships. I learned a lot about differentiation, mutuality, care, compassion as the basis for health adult relationships.
Chapter 3 we question the us embedding culture that shaped our understandings of relationships. It includes a call for cross-movement solidarity, which I adored! Chapter 4 and 5 are then digging deeper into one’s personal experiences and pattern. Thais part surely was intense but also immensely helpful. The authors took inspiration and resources from a lot of scholars to visualize and explain where, e.g., our insecurities come from and how they affect our relationships.
Reflect and breathe
Admitting from the very start that this will be an emotional journey, the authors provide many moments of slowing down and pausing. They do not shy away from intense topics like generational trauma and (emotional, etc.) abuse. They nonetheless recurrently utter with empathy that activities and reflection points are not mandatory. Instead, they invite the readers to engage with them if they have the capacity at that moment. Their language was generally very considerate and repeatedly included phrasings like“if that’s an experience that is familiar to you.”
I especially appreciated the multitude of different voices and experiences they provided so that hopefully everyone can feel seen and represented. Eventually, the authors discuss interdependence in the final chapter of this publication and allow us to imagine our relationship legacy on a greater scale, just as we have been influenced on very different levels up to this point. They allow us to understand these ways better and thus feel more secured in our own being. The authors additionally offer way more resources at each chapter’s end, so you can dig deeper into specific topics and concepts.
In conclusion,
This book surely allowed me (and will allow others likewise) to broaden my understanding of myself, my patterns, my insecurities, but also my understanding for other people. That is certainly not limited to romantic interests but friends and family alike. This publication is dense on theory but also allows a lot of space to reflect with this new knowledge on your own experiences and your future endeavors.
The authors:
Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. They are a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University. @megjohnbarker on Twitter. Source
Alex Iantaffi is an internationally recognized independent scholar, speaker and writer on issues of gender, disability, sexuality and mental health. They are also a licensed marriage and family therapist, sex therapist, somatic experiencing practitioner and supervisor. Source